BDSM can offer a level of intensity and fantasy that enhances sexual experiences. For some, power exchange alone provides enough pleasure even without genital stimulation or intercourse. However, successful and safe BDSM scenes are usually a product of planning and communication.
Communication is Key
Prior to engaging in BDSM play, it's important to communicate openly with your partner. This is not an activity that should be entered into spontaneously without prior discussion. This discussion will help you determine if your partner is a trustworthy and reliable individual with whom to explore this activity. If they are not open to discussing safety concerns, planning, or if they do not listen to you, they may not be a good partner to trust, even if you are the one exercising power during the scene.
When communicating with your partner, it's important to discuss the following:
- Your scene objectives
- What you're open to trying
- Any hard or soft limits
- Any health concerns that may impact the scene (such as arthritis, low blood pressure, or healing injuries)
- Medications that may impact the scene
Particularly important is the use of a safeword. This is a word or phrase that can be used to pause or completely stop play if it becomes overwhelming or uncomfortable. While it's typically used by the bottom/submissive partner, tops can also use it to stop play if necessary. It's important to choose a safeword that is simple and easy to understand, given that the scene may be noisy or overwhelming. Long or complicated words can be difficult to enunciate under duress.
A common method is the traffic light system where you can say “Red,” “Yellow” or “Green” depending on how you feel. Responding “Red” indicates you need to stop whereas “Yellow” can mean for you to pause or proceed with caution while “Green” indicates everything is going well. Not only is it up either of you to use safewords if your scene doesn't feel right, but the top/dominant can check in with the submissive to verify how it's going. The submissive can then respond according to the traffic light system.
Along with negotiation, it's crucial to establish what is necessary for aftercare during your first BDSM scene. Both partners can benefit from certain practices that help return them to equilibrium after the scene has finished. Aftercare focuses on both the physical and mental/emotional effects of a scene. A person may feel physically exhausted or have a drop in temperature, experience thirst or hunger, or require emotional and physical validation in the form of cuddling and kind words. Commonly used aftercare items include sports drinks, snacks, soft blankets, or soothing balms for impact play. Some submissives even enjoy aftercare in the form of coloring. Understanding and discovering aftercare needs requires open and honest communication with your partner, and it's important to establish these needs before the scene begins.
To fully benefit from these discussions, you must have a solid understanding of your own needs and preferences. Without this understanding, you may not enjoy the scene or even experience trauma. Resources such as BDSM/kink links and contracts can help you discover new toys and play, and ensure that you don't forget important information. These contracts can last for a single scene or an entire relationship.
As you gain experience, you may become comfortable expressing your needs during a scene, but it's best to establish these beforehand for your first scene. In addition to communication and negotiation, research is necessary to ensure a safe and enjoyable experience. Research specific risks associated with activities you want to try, scan through online forums to learn about the best tools and toys to use, and draw from others' experiences. Although it's not necessary to be an expert, research can help you make informed choices and ensure a positive experience.
Get to Know the Tools of BDSM Play
Before engaging in any BDSM scene, it's important for the top/dominant partner to fully understand and be able to safely use the tools or toys that will be used. Some items, such as canes and whips, are not beginner-friendly, and even seemingly harmless toys can cause harm if not used properly. It's essential to research and learn from books, websites, and videos to ensure safe and enjoyable play. For impact play toys like paddles, floggers, and crops, practicing on a pillow can help you become comfortable with the feel and impact of the toy. Similarly, practicing knot-tying before actually tying someone up can help prevent unintended harm.
When using toys made from various materials, it's important to know how to properly prepare and care for each one. This may include cutting and treating rope, conditioning leather, shining metal, or engraving an item.
It's also important for the top/dominant partner to try out the toys on themselves prior to using them on their partner. This is particularly crucial for impact play toys, as each toy feels different and can cause varying levels of sensation. By smacking different parts of their own body, the top/dominant partner can better understand how the toy feels and use that knowledge to ensure safe and enjoyable play. It may also be helpful to test cuffs, rope, and vibrators beforehand to prevent overwhelming the partner during the scene.
Planning Your First BDSM Scene
As the top partner, it's your responsibility to plan the scene, which may be outlined step-by-step for your first time. Consider your partner's needs and desires, how you can ensure their safety, and what type of address they should use when addressing you. You should also establish how you will reward or punish them during the scene and how it will conclude. If you need inspiration, there are plenty of scripts and ideas available online.
In addition to the specific activities you'll engage in, it's important to consider the ambiance of the scene, such as lighting, music, and scents. Make sure you have appropriate toys on hand and a plan for dealing with any complications that may arise. Have a first-aid kit readily available and ensure that your phone is charged in case of emergency. Keep multiple keys for any restraints and remember to have condoms and dental dams on hand for safer sex. Powered toys should be charged in advance, and the environment should be cleaned and organized beforehand.
The dominant partner may also specify how their submissive partner will dress for the scene, or you may choose to dress yourselves in a manner that excites your partner. While it's not necessary to adhere to stereotypical BDSM costumes if they're not comfortable or accessible, wearing a specific article of clothing or accessory, such as a collar, can help establish the right headspace. If you plan to play specific roles, your costumes may reflect that.
The BDSM Scene
Before your first scene, it's recommended to relax by drinking tea or engaging in other calming activities. Feeling both excitement and trepidation is normal. Prior to starting, it's essential to connect with your partner.
The start of a scene can be signaled by specific actions, such as the top/dominant using a nickname for the bottom/sub or directing them to a specific position. However, every scene is unique depending on preference. Some individuals begin with restraints before proceeding to other activities, while others may not include bondage at all.
During your first scene, it's important to proceed slowly and softly. It's always possible to increase the intensity and take on more during future scenes. Keep in mind that even activities that seem less intense can have a significant impact during your first scene.
As a submissive, it's essential to obey your partner and be open to discipline while also using the safeword and communicating as necessary. The dominant plans the scene to thrill their partner while simultaneously caring for them, and must retain control throughout. Typically, the more aroused an individual is, the more they can handle.
Checking in with your partner throughout the scene is vital, especially if you're not familiar with their body language. Using specific language can emphasize roles without detracting from them. While asking "How do you feel?" is acceptable, it can be more pleasurable to say "You like that, don't you?"
Although it may appear that the dominant has ultimate power, it's essential to remember that this power has been given by the submissive and can be revoked at any time, including when the safeword is used. The top must respect the safeword and recognize any signs of distress, even if the submissive has not used the safeword.
Assuming the scene goes well, the activity can be completed, pleasure shared, and any restraints removed. Aftercare is necessary to ensure that both partners feel satisfied and secure following the scene.
The steps taken before the first scene are critical in ensuring a smooth and safe experience. Skipping any safety precautions may result in serious injury or psychological trauma, and potentially turn individuals off from exploring further scenes. As experience grows, the preparation process may become quicker and more streamlined. For beginners, it's crucial not to skip any steps, regardless of how unnecessary they seem.
